Money Joke 1
A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said “Why did you put up such a fight?” To which the man promptly replied “I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!”
Money Joke 2
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
Money Joke 3
A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, we wouldn’t be here at all!” The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn’t on a honeymoon, nor would there be any “we” in the first place.”
Money Joke 4
What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire? A very witch person.
Money Joke 5
Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire? Sure. Here you are. Thanks – but half the pages are missing. What’s the matter? Isn’t half a million enough for you?
Money Joke 6
Why is money called dough? Because we all knead it.
Money Joke 7
Where do bees keep their money? In a honey box.
Money Joke 8
Why did the mean teacher walk around with her purse open? She d read there was going to be some change in the weather.
Money Joke 9
Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. “You should give that money to charity,” said the sales girl. Fred thought for a moment and said, “No, I ll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity.”
Money Joke 10
What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was money in the kitty.
Money Joke 11
How can a can you double your money? By folding it in half.
Money Joke 12
Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money. “I m not paying,” said the duck. “I’ve only got one bill and I m not breaking it.” “I’ve spent my last buck,” said the deer. “Then the duck ll have to pay,” said the skunk. “Getting here cost me my last scent.”
Money Joke 13
Dad, would you like to save some money? I certainly would, son. Any suggestions? Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won’t wear my shoes out so fast.
Money Joke 14
I hate paying my income tax. You should be a good citizen – why don’t you pay with a smile? I d like to but they insist on money
Money Joke 15
What happened when Dumbo went to a mindrreader? They gave him his money back.
Money Joke 16
The best way of saving money is to forget who you borrowed it from.
Money Joke 17
Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt. Harry: That’s what I m afraid of!
Money Joke 18
Who dropped a wad of notes with an elastic band round them? I did! Well, here’s the elastic band.
Money Joke 19
A doctor had been attending a rich old man for some time, but it became apparent that the old chap had not long to live. Accordingly, the doctor advised his wealthy patient to put his affairs in order. “Oh yes, I’ve done that,” said the old gentleman. “I’ve only got to make a will. And do you know what I m going to do with all my money? I m going to leave it to the doctor who saves my life.”
Money Joke 20
Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy? No! Tell me about it. It smells of $50 dollar bills.
Money Joke 21
At the Cedar Rapids Chamber of Commerce meeting the treasurer reported a deficit of two hundred dollars. One of the chamber members stood up and said, “I vote that we donate half of it to the Red Cross and then give the other fifty dollars to the Salvation Army.”
Money Joke 22
Elmore walked into his favorite truck stop cafe and said to the owner, “Hey, Roy, you wanna take a chance on a raffle?” “Whada ya win?” “A million dollars!” said the redneck. “You get a dollar a year for a million years.” “How much are they each?” “Ten cents. Two for a quarter. Or three for half a dollar!”
Money Joke 23
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”
Money Joke 24
Three boys were walking along the beach one day when they see a cave. The first boy goes in and is looking at a banknote on a big rock when a ghostly voice calls out I am the ghost of Auntie Abel and this five dollars stays on the table! The second boy goes in and is reaching for the money when the same thing happens again. The third boy goes in ,sees the five dollars and cries out, I am the ghost of David Crockett and this five dollars goes in my pocket!
Money Joke 25
An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they d do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper. Alec ! yelled the teacher, you’ve done nothing. Why? Because if I had a million dollars, that’s exactly what I would do !
Money Joke 26
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why. I’ve lost five cents, sobbed Johnny. Don’t worry, said his dad kindly. Here’s five more for you, At this Johnny howled louder than ever. Now what is it ?
Money Joke 27
William: May I have some money for the man crying outside ? Mum: What crying man ? William: The one that’s crying, Ice cream! Ice Cream !
Money Joke 28
Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. You should give that money to charity, said the shopkeeper. No, I ll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity!
Money Joke 29
Ted said to his friend, can you lend me $10? But I only have $8, his friend replied. That’s OK, you can always owe me the other $2!
Money Joke 30
If you found a five dollar bill in every pocket of your coat, what would you have ? Someone else’s coat.
Money Joke 31
A little monster was learning to play the violin, I m good, aren’t I? he asked his big brother. You should be on the radio, said his brother. You think I m that good? No, I think you
Money Joke 32
Why did your sister feed money to her cow ? Because she wanted to get rich milk.
Money Joke 33
My sister fell in love at second sight. When she first met him she didn’t know how rich he was.
Money Joke 34
Five dollars for one question! said the girl to the fortune-teller. That’s very expensive,isn’t it ? Next!
Money Joke 35
Visitor: You re very quiet, Jennifer. Jennifer: Well, my mum gave me a dollar not to say anything about your red nose.
Money Joke 36
I can’t find my dollar bill, Jane sobbed. Don’t worry, her Counselor said. A dollar doesn’t go very far today.
Money Joke 37
One evening, a Counselor saw Max on his hands and knees. What are you doing? she asked. I m looking for my dollar bill, Max replied. I lost it down the road. Why don’t you look for it there?
Money Joke 38
Martin ended a letter to his dad with this question, Is Washington’s picture still on the dollar bill? His Father wrote back, Of course it is. Why do you ask? Martin answered, Because it’s been so long since I’ve seen one!
Money Joke 39
Farmer: What would you do if a bull charged you? Mary: I d pay whatever it charged.
Money Joke 40
Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich ? Because the poor didn’t have any !
Money Joke 41
How did the man feel when he got a big bill from the electric company? He was shocked.
Money Joke 42
If a fifty cent piece and a quarter were on the Empire State Building, which would jump off first? The quarter, because it has less sense (cents).
Money Joke 43
If you want to get rich, why should you keep your mouth shut? Because silence is golden.
Money Joke 44
What did the man do when he got a big gas bill? He exploded.
Money Joke 45
Where can you always find money? In the dictionary.
Money Joke 46
How can you double your money? Look at it in a mirror.
Money Joke 47
What kind of money do monsters use? Weirdo (weird dough).
Money Joke 48
Why are diapers like $10 bills? Because you have to change them.
Money Joke 49
Why is the moon like a dollar? It has four quarters.
Money Joke 50
Why isn’t a dime worth as much today as it used to be? Because the dimes (times) have changed.
Money Joke 51
Why did the man throw away all the new pennies he had? Because they were a nuisance (new cents).
Money Joke 52
How can you get rich by eating? Eat fortune cookies.
Money Joke 53
When does a female deer need money? When she doesn’t have a buck.
Money Joke 54
Why is a cat like a penny? Because it has a head on one side and a tail on the other.
Money Joke 55
How can you make money fast? Glue it to the floor.
Money Joke 56
Where do Eskimos keep their money? In snowbanks.
Money Joke 57
Where do hogs keep their money? In piggy banks.
Money Joke 58
Where do trees keep their money? In branch banks.
Money Joke 59
Why did the hippie put his money in the refrigerator? He liked cold cash.
Money Joke 60
Why do wallets make so much noise? Because money talks.
Money Joke 61
How can you be sure you have counterfeit money? If it’s a three-dollar bill, you can be sure.
Money Joke 62
If you take half from a half dollar, what do you have? A dollar.
Money Joke 63
What lands as often on its tail as it does its head? A penny.
Money Joke 64
Which is better, an old ten dollar bill or a new one? An old ten dollar bill is better than a new one.
Money Joke 65
How did rich people get their money? They were calm and collected.
Money Joke 66
If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter, and another quarter, and then another quarter, how much would you have left? A million dollars minus 75 cents.
Money Joke 67
Who makes a million dollars a day? Someone who works in a mint.
Money Joke 68
Why was the skunk arrested for counterfeiting? Because he gave out bad scents (cents).
Money Joke 69
If George Washington were alive today, why couldn’t he throw a silver dollar across the Potomac? Because a dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Money Joke 70
What dog has money? A bloodhound, because he is always picking up scents (cents).
Money Joke 71
Why is someone who borrows money but does not pay it all back like a football player? Because sometimes he gives you a quarter back and sometimes a half back.
Money Joke 72
Why shouldn’t you carry two half dollars in your pocket? Because two halves make a whole (hole), and you could lose your money.
Money Joke 73
What is the quickest way to double your money ? Fold it in half !
Money Joke 74
How do thunderstorms invest their money? -In a combination of liquid assets and frozen assets
Money Joke 75
What did the pay phone say when the quarter got stuck inside it? Money’s tight these days!
Money Joke 76
A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong. “Ohhh, it’s my girlfriend.” “What’s the problem?” “When I asked her if she could learn to love me, she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education.”
Money Joke 77
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, the house wouldn’t be here!” The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money I wouldn’t be here.”
Money Joke 78
Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you ? Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money !
Money Joke 79
Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat ? To see if there was any more money in the kitty !
Money Joke 80
Q: What do you call counterfeited German currency? A: Question marks.
Money Joke 81
Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery? He’s so happy that he’s giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.
Money Joke 82
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.” “You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly. “No,” said the husband, “a 1979 Cadillac.”
Money Joke 83
Q:Why did the man put his money in the freezer? A:( He wanted cold hard cash! )
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