Posted in Animal Jokes
Various Animal Joke 1
What do you call a gigantic polar bear? Nothing, you just run away!
Various Animal Joke 2
What animal do you look like when you get into the bath ? A little bear !
Various Animal Joke 3
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, “That’s not good,” and promised he wouldn’t say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.” She paused and said, “Yes?” The bird said, “You know.”
Various Animal Joke 4
There are bats hanging of a branch upside down, all except one. Two bats comment: “What’s happened to this one? – I don’t know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted.
Various Animal Joke 5
A vampire bat came flapping in from a night of foraging, covered in fresh blood. He parked himself on the cave’s roof to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. “OK, follow me.” He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. “Do you see that tree over there?” “YES, YES, YES!!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy. “Well I didn t!”
Various Animal Joke 6
A boy at a cinema notices what looks like a bear sitting next to him “Are you a bear?” “Yes” “What are you doing at the movies ?” “Well, I liked the book!”
Various Animal Joke 7
Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving? They couldn’t get the moose in the oven!
Various Animal Joke 8
What’s a pet’s favorite day? …Saint Petrick’s Day
Various Animal Joke 9
What should you call a bald teddy ? Fred bear !
Various Animal Joke 10
What kind of money do polar bears use ? Ice lolly !
Various Animal Joke 11
A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet’s diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion. The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head. “There” says the vet,” Your hamster is dead”. Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it’s head. “It’s definitely dead sir”, says the vet. Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes. “That will be L1000, please”. “A L1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead” fumes the man. “Well”, says the vet, “There’s my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan”.
Various Animal Joke 12
Why do bears have fur coats ? Because they d look stupid in anoraks !
Various Animal Joke 13
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig ? A teddy boar !
Various Animal Joke 14
How do you hire a teddy bear? Put him on stilts !
Various Animal Joke 15
Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet ? It lives on ice !
Various Animal Joke 16
What’s a teddy bears favourite pasta ? Tagliateddy !
Various Animal Joke 17
What is a bear’s favourite drink ? Koka-Koala !
Various Animal Joke 18
Why was the little bear so spoiled ? Because its mother panda d to its every whim !
Various Animal Joke 19
What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle ? A polo bear !
Various Animal Joke 20
Why do polo bears like bald men ? Because they have a great, white, bear place !
Various Animal Joke 21
How do you start a teddy bear race ? Ready, teddy, go !
Various Animal Joke 22
What do polar bears have for lunch ? Ice burger !
Various Animal Joke 23
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp ? A bear faced lyre !
Various Animal Joke 24
What’s yellow, comes from Peru, and is completely unknown ? Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear’s forgotten cousin !
Various Animal Joke 25
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear ? Winnie the Pooh !
Various Animal Joke 26
There’s a guy Who’s hiking in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a really tall tree. The bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher. Then, the bear climbed down and went away. So the guy starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns, and this time he’s brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climb up the tree, the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the guy climbed even higher still, so the bears couldn’t reach him. Eventually, the bears went away. Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the tree again. Suddenly, the two bears return. But this time the guy knew he was in big trouble. Each bear was carrying a BEAVER.
Various Animal Joke 27
Two hikers are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first hiker gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second hiker says, “What are you doing?” The first responds, “I figure when the bear gets close to us, we ll have to jump down and make a run for it.” The second says, “Are you crazy? Don’t you know you can’t outrun a bear? The first guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear… I only have to outrun you!”
Various Animal Joke 28
What do you call a lion wearing a cravat and a flower in its mane ? A dandy lion !
Various Animal Joke 29
Why do you never see zebras or antelopes at Victoria Station ? Because it’s a mane-lion station !
Various Animal Joke 30
What do you call a show full of lions ? The mane event !
Various Animal Joke 31
How does a leopard change its spots ? When it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another !
Various Animal Joke 32
What happened to the man who tried to cross a lioin with a goat ? He had to get a new goat !
Various Animal Joke 33
Why was the lion-tamer fined ? He parked on a yellow lion !
Various Animal Joke 34
What’s the difference between a tiger and a lion ? A tiger has the mane part missing !
Various Animal Joke 35
What happened to the tiger who took a bath three times a day ? After a week he was spotless !
Various Animal Joke 36
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep ? A stripey sweater !
Various Animal Joke 37
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangeroo ? A stripey jumper !
Various Animal Joke 38
How are tigers like sergeants in the army ? They both wear stripes !
Various Animal Joke 39
When is a lion not a lion ? When he turns into his cage !
Various Animal Joke 40
What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head ? A tiger moth !
Various Animal Joke 41
What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt ? Don’t go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.
Various Animal Joke 42
What do tigers wear in bed ? Stripey pyjamas !
Various Animal Joke 43
What happened when the lion ate the comedian ? He felt funny !
Various Animal Joke 44
Which big cat should you never play cards with ? A cheetah !
Various Animal Joke 45
What is the fiercest flower in the garden ? The tiger lily !
Various Animal Joke 46
What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater ? Claws.
Various Animal Joke 47
If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, What’s a tiger ? A stri-ped !
Various Animal Joke 48
First Caribou: What kind of math do owls like? Second Caribou: Owlgebra.
Various Animal Joke 49
First Caribou: Which bug does amazing motor cycle stunts? Second Caribou: Evel Boll Weevil.
Various Animal Joke 50
First Kangaroo: How do you tell the difference between an elephant and a rhinoceros? Second Kangaroo: The elephant has a better memory.
Various Animal Joke 51
First Kangaroo: What do you call it when giraffes moving one way get mixed up with giraffes moving another way? Second Kangaroo: A giraffic jam.
Various Animal Joke 52
First Kangaroo: If you were surrounded by 30 lions, 25 elephants and 10 hippos, how would you get away from them? Second Kangaroo: Step off the merry-go-round.
Various Animal Joke 53
What is a chameleon’s motto ? A change is as good as a rest !
Various Animal Joke 54
Why did the tadpole feel lonely ? Because he was newt to the area !
Various Animal Joke 55
What powerful reptile is found in the Sydney opera house ? The Lizard of Oz !
Various Animal Joke 56
What’s the definition of a nervous breakdown ? A chameleon on a tartan rug !
Various Animal Joke 57
What kind of tiles can’t you stick on walls ? Reptiles !
Various Animal Joke 58
What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common ? Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth !
Various Animal Joke 59
Did you hear the joke about the skunk? Never mind, it stinks!
Various Animal Joke 60
How many skunks do you need to make a house really smelly? Just a phew!
Various Animal Joke 61
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a dinosaur? A stinkasaurus!
Various Animal Joke 62
How can you tell when a skunk is angry? It raises a stink!
Various Animal Joke 63
How can you tell a rabbit from a skunk? A skunk uses a cheaper deodorant!
Various Animal Joke 64
What’s a skunk’s favourite game in school? Show and smell!
Various Animal Joke 65
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a boomerang? A smell that keeps coming back!
Various Animal Joke 66
What did the baby skunk want to be when he grew up? A big stinker!
Various Animal Joke 67
What’s a skunk’s philosophy of life? Eat, stink and be merry!
Various Animal Joke 68
Why did the skunk buy four boxes of tissues? Because he had a stinking cold!
Various Animal Joke 69
Two skunks were being chased by a bear. As the bear got closer, one of the skunks said “Whatever shall we do?” “Let us spray!” replied the other.
Various Animal Joke 70
Why was the skunk angry? He was incensed!
Various Animal Joke 71
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a wasp? Something that stinks and stings!
Various Animal Joke 72
How are skunks able to avoid danger? By using their instinks and common scents!
Various Animal Joke 73
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a cartoon penguin? Pingu-Pong!
Various Animal Joke 74
When should you feel sorry for a skunk? When its spray pump is out of order!
Various Animal Joke 75
Did you hear about the skunk who sat on a fan? He got cut off without a scent!
Various Animal Joke 76
Did you hear about the argumentative skunk? He always liked to make a stink!
Various Animal Joke 77
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a balloon? A creature that stinks to high heaven!
Various Animal Joke 78
What did the judge say when the skunk was on trial? Odour in court!
Various Animal Joke 79
What is the feeling that you’ve smelled a certain skunk before? Deja phew!
Various Animal Joke 80
What do you get if you cross a skunk and an owl? A bird that stinks but doesn’t give a hoot!
Various Animal Joke 81
What do you call a flying skunk? A smellicopter!
Various Animal Joke 82
What happened to the skunk who failed his swimming lesson? He stank to the bottom of the pool!
Various Animal Joke 83
What did one skunk say to another? And so do you!
Various Animal Joke 84
A skunk family had two little skunks they called In and Out. One day little In disappeared. Mother Skunk, Father Skunk and young Out spent hours looking for him, getting more worried all the time. In the end the parents went home to have a cup of tea, but Out said he d continue searching for a while. Half an hour later he returned home, with a tired In following behind him. However did you find him? asked Father Skunk. In-stinct, replied Out.
Various Animal Joke 85
What do reindeer say before telling you a joke ? This one will sleigh you !
Various Animal Joke 86
Why is a reindeer like a gossip ? Because they are both tail bearers !
Various Animal Joke 87
How would you get four reindeer in a car? Two in the front and two in the back! And how do you get four polar bears in a car? Take the reindeer out first
Various Animal Joke 88
What’s the difference between a reindeer and a snowball? They re both brown, except the snowball.
Various Animal Joke 89
What do you call the reindeer with one eye higher than the other? Isaiah!
Various Animal Joke 90
What has antlers, pulls Father Christmas sleigh and is made of cement? I don’t know. A reindeer! What about the cement? I just threw that in to make it hard.
Various Animal Joke 91
What do you get if you cross a hedgehog with a giraffe ? A long necked toothbrush !
Various Animal Joke 92
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise? A zebra with a set of drums.
Various Animal Joke 93
What do you get if you cross a zebra with an ape man? Tarzan stripes forever.
Various Animal Joke 94
Which is the most dangerous animal in the Northern Hemisphere? Yak the Ripper
Various Animal Joke 95
How do you weigh a whale? On Whale Weigh Scales.
Various Animal Joke 96
What is the best advice to give a worm? Sleep late.
Various Animal Joke 97
A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream. They sat down and were about to start when Father Tortoise said, “I think it’s going to rain. Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umbrella?” So off went junior for Father’s umbrella, but three days later he still hadn’t returned. “I think, dear,” said Mother Tortoise to Father Tortoise, “that we had better eat junior’s ice cream before it melts.” And a voice from the door said, “If you do that I won’t go.”
Various Animal Joke 98
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. “Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”
Various Animal Joke 99
There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant’s tail, really hard. Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle. “Why did you do that?” the giraffe asks. “When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason,” the elephant replied. “Wow! You must have a good memory!” exclaimed the giraffe. “Yep!” said the elephant. “I’ve got Turtle-Recall.”
Various Animal Joke 100
What’s black and white, stinks and hangs from a line? A drip dry skunk.
Various Animal Joke 101
What did the slug say as he slipped down the window very fast? How slime flies!
Various Animal Joke 102
What did one slug say to another who had hit him and rushed off? I ll get you next slime!
Various Animal Joke 103
What do you do when two snails have a fight? Leave them to slug it out.
Various Animal Joke 104
How do snails get their shells all shiny? They use snail polish.
Various Animal Joke 105
What gas do snails prefer? Shell.
Various Animal Joke 106
A snail starts a slow climb up the trunk of an apple tree. He is watched by a sparrow who can’t help laughing and eventually says “Don’t you know there aren’t any apples on the tree yet?” “Yes,” said the snail, “but there will be by the time I get up there.”
Various Animal Joke 107
An old lady was considering buying a squirrel fur coat. “But will it be all right in the rain?” she asked anxiously. “Oh certainly, ma am,” said the manager smoothly. “After all, you’ve never seen a squirrel with an umbrella have you?”
Various Animal Joke 108
How does a group of dolphin’s make a decision? Flipper coin!
Various Animal Joke 109
Why did the dolphin feel crabby? Because he ate too many crabs!
Various Animal Joke 110
Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise!
Various Animal Joke 111
Which ghost sailed the seven seas looking for rubbish and blubber? The ghost of BinBag the Whaler.
Various Animal Joke 112
How could the dolphin afford to buy a house ? He prawned everything !
Various Animal Joke 113
Why are dolphins cleverer than humans ? Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish !
Various Animal Joke 114
What did Cinderella Dolphin where to the ball? Glass flippers!
Various Animal Joke 115
What did the baby dolphin do when he didn’t get his way? He whale-d
Various Animal Joke 116
Who held the baby octopus to ransom ? Squidnappers !
Various Animal Joke 117
How does an octopus go to war ? Well-armed !
Various Animal Joke 118
Who robs banks and squirts ink? Billy the Squid.
Various Animal Joke 119
What happened to the cold jellyfish ? It set !
Various Animal Joke 120
What do you call a neurotic octopus? A crazy, mixed-up squid.
Various Animal Joke 121
What is slimy and wobbly, tastes of raspberry and lives in the seas? A red jellyfish.
Various Animal Joke 122
Why did the jellyfish’s wife leave him? He stung her into action.
Various Animal Joke 123
Where do you find a down-and-out octopus ? On squid row !
Various Animal Joke 124
What does an octopus wear on a cold day? A coat of arms!
Various Animal Joke 125
What’s wet and wiggly and says how do you do sixteen times? Two octopuses shaking hands.
Various Animal Joke 126
What does an octopus take on a camping trip? Tentacles!
Various Animal Joke 127
What does a squid sheriff form? An octoposse!
Various Animal Joke 128
Who was the most famous pirate octopus? Captain Squid!
Various Animal Joke 129
What’s an octopuses favourite latin saying? Squid pro quo!
Various Animal Joke 130
What happens when sharks take their clothes off ? They go sharkers !
Various Animal Joke 131
If they made a movie starring the Loch Ness monster and the great white shark from Jaws, what would the movie be called? Loch Jaws.
Various Animal Joke 132
How do you shoot a great white shark? Hold his nose until he turns blue and then you shoot him with a blue shark spear gun!
Various Animal Joke 133
What is the most famous shark? William Sharkspeare!
Various Animal Joke 134
What do you call rubber bumpers on yachts? Shark absorbers!
Various Animal Joke 135
Did you hear about the new shark food restaurant called Jaws? It costs an arm and a leg to eat there!
Various Animal Joke 136
Where do sharks come from? Sharkago!
Various Animal Joke 137
What’s the favourite flavour of sharks? Shark-o-late!
Various Animal Joke 138
What kind of sharks make good carpenters? Hammerheads!
Various Animal Joke 139
What do you call someone who sticks his right hand in shark’s mouths? Lefty!
Various Animal Joke 140
If a hungry shark is after you, what should you feed it? Jawbreakers!
Various Animal Joke 141
Why did a gambler scare everyone out swimming? He was a card shark!
Various Animal Joke 142
Are shellfish warm? No they re clammy!
Various Animal Joke 143
What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours ? A hermit crab !
Various Animal Joke 144
What kind of noise annoys an oyster ? A noisy noise annoys an oyster ! (Try saying that fast!)
Various Animal Joke 145
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show ? Whale of fortune !
Various Animal Joke 146
Why did the whale cross the road ? To get to the other tide !
Various Animal Joke 147
What is a whale’s favorite TV show? Flukes of Hazard!
Various Animal Joke 148
Why don’t whales eat sushi very often? Of course whales like sushi. It’s just those itty-bitty chop sticks that keep getting stuck in their teeth.
Various Animal Joke 149
Why did the whale like the diver? Because he had flippers!
Various Animal Joke 150
What kind of whale flies? Pilot whales!
Various Animal Joke 151
Why did the gray whale go on a diet? Because he wasn’t a Fin whale!
Various Animal Joke 152
What’s at the end of Moby Dick? A whale of a time!
Various Animal Joke 153
Did you hear about the whale who couldn’t keep a secret? He was a blubber mouth!
Various Animal Joke 154
What do you get if you cross an eel with a shopper? A slippery customer.
Various Animal Joke 155
What do you get if you cross a bottle of water with an electric eel? A bit of a shock really!
Various Animal Joke 156
How should you treat a baby goat? Like a kid.
Various Animal Joke 157
What is a buttress? A female goat.
Various Animal Joke 158
One goldfish to his tankmate: “If there’s no God, who changes the water?”
Various Animal Joke 159
Did you hear about the boy who was told to do 100 lines? He drew 100 cats on the paper. He thought the teacher had said lions.
Various Animal Joke 160
There was once a puppy called May who loved to pick quarrels with animals who were bigger than she was. One day she argued with a lion. The next day was the first of June. Why ? Because that was the end of May!
Various Animal Joke 161
What happened to the lizard in the wizard’s garden pond? He had him newt-ered.
Various Animal Joke 162
What purrs along the road and leaves holes in the lawn? A Moles Royce.
Various Animal Joke 163
Why was the young kangaroo thrown out by his mother? For smoking in bed.
Various Animal Joke 164
What would you get if you crossed a grizzly with the world’s greatest basketball player? Bear Jordan.
Various Animal Joke 165
What are the most athletic rodents? Track and field mice.
Various Animal Joke 166
Q. Why did Mrs. Smokey the Bear divorce Smokey the Bear? A. Because every time she got hot, he d beat her with a shovel!
Various Animal Joke 167
Q: What did the emu say to the nurse? A: Mend her bones or walk the plank
Various Animal Joke 168
Why don’t lobsters share? They re shellfish.
Various Animal Joke 169
Turtle to turtle: “Don’t ya just love the sound of rain on your roof?”
Various Animal Joke 170
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach? Elkaseltzer.
Various Animal Joke 171
Exasperated dragon on the field of battle: “Mother said there would be knights like this.”
Various Animal Joke 172
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
Various Animal Joke 173
Mama bear to Papa bear: “Well… You might call it hibernating — I call it goofing off .”
Various Animal Joke 174
One day Mullah was beating his donkey in a remote place. A man saw him and asked: why are you beating the poor animal. Sorry, said Mullah, is it a member of your family?
Various Animal Joke 175
Q. What did the snail say when he hitched a ride on the turtle? A. Wheeeee!!!!!
Various Animal Joke 176
One day there was a tortoise walking on the road. Along came the hare that had once been defeated by the tortoise in a race. The hare was so angry from what had happened to him so he challenged him to another race. The tortoise gladly accepted his challenge. It ended up that the tortoise and the hare never finished the race because they both took a nap right before the finish line. So the tortoise is still the champion of the race. So remember this you snooze you loose!
Various Animal Joke 177
This little snail bought a little car and took it to the body shop to have it painted. The service man asked him exactly what he wanted done, and the snail said he wanted little’s s painted all around and all over his car. The service man asked him why, and the snail answered “When people see me in my car I want them to say, look at that S-Car-Go!”
Various Animal Joke 178
A lion was getting rather old and slow and having difficulty catching its prey. It decided it needed a disguise so that other animals did not know it was a lion and would not run away. So it goes into a fancy dress shop and buys a gorilla suit. It then heads for a watering hole to see if it can catch something with its new disguise. On the way it comes across two eagles sitting on a rock. One eagle says to it “Hi Mr. Lion!” The other said, “Where did you get the gorilla suit?” The lion, rather frustrated, asks, “How did you know I was a lion?” The eagles then started to sing, “You can’t hide your lion eyes”.
Various Animal Joke 179
A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said “it is quite cold out here can I come in?” the man shouted “NO why don’t you all understand I want to be alone!” and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, “What did you do that for?”
Various Animal Joke 180
Look over there! Said the frightened skunk to his pal. “There’s a human with a gun, and he’s getting closer and closer! What are we going to do?” To which the second skink calmly replied, “Let us spray .”
Various Animal Joke 181
A fish walks into a bar, the bartender asks, “What would you like?” the fish says holding his neck, “Water”.
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